Driftwood in a tempest

I have spent many an hour trawling through the trove of archives of pandora’s boxes on multiple social media platforms. If there is anything I have taken away from it, apart from the glaring ,”You are 5 to 11 years too late”, it would be this. Reminiscing without closure can be poisonous. Reminiscing – while knowing still, that there will be “follow up”s and “see you again”, NOT vocalized for the sheer sake of it- are empowering and less energy sapping. This probably stems from the quiet assurance you get, in knowing that you have the time and space to channel these social plesantaries, into hopeful plans. I acknowledge that I am probably largely to fault for the giant craters of “social group standstills” that I have, admittedly, very subconsciously created- in the name of passiveness, lack of initiative and the externalization of an individual’s worth to me, for the non-familial relations forged between 2009 to 2013. On the off chance that any of my old friends chance upon this, hello! (TLDR: This has been a potent reminder to show the people who filled my days with happiness how much they mean to me, once we have ventured onto separate career/educational/interest paths with limited time and now, space, between us. Which is unfortunate and upsetting. Not a fan of excuses- so it remains questionable if these are reasons to cast doubt of)

I have reason to believe that the way in which I tumbled off the face of several social media accounts (ig, twitter mainly) during pivotal points in sustaining friendships, might have played a part seeing as most of my groups did not really converse on “group chats”. There was a lot of accidentally bumping into people in school or “sms-es”.

Now, this begs the question,” would the 5 to 11 year time lapse render it *too late* for a reunion?”. At this point, the answer bubbles and frolicks within the crater – that is the sputtering social life- I’ve created. It’s almost empty. But there might not be an answer. I have filled many of my days with the relationships from 2014 and beyond, almost instinctively. I wonder what fitting in the other 7 to 8 social groups would have been like. I wish I had. Really.

Yet, the vast majority of the social groups I used to feel at home with, have ostensibly, redefined themselves into a new normal over the past few years. Understandably, and I am genuinely happy for them. ‘

There haven’t been any boisterous, unnecessarily frightening brawls or vehement disagreements, or fall outs. Perhaps, the former would have been more of a basis to reconnect and reunite, in a twisted sense, or not. There weren’t many ,”sorry I cannot make it”s to even vocalize. I hardly initiated either.

(Seeing as I picked an alternate route after 16 and then again, twice, after primary school school- leaving significantly fewer convenient opportunities to sustain my friendships, like the rest of my friends who went to the same school. Admittedly, I should have known to double up the effort. Here, the onus is on me to shoulder the blame as well.)

Here, it was more of an almost sinister, yet gentle, drift that quietly but earnestly edged me towards entirely new, different social groups/energies ,and away from the ones I used to cherish. Fond memories never faded, though, but they came to a bit of a standstill.

Funny how it seems to have taken something as simple as the mention of a couple of animes, while reminiscing, a little bit of revisiting live journal and, blogger (this used to be a thing back in the teenage days- also, holy shit I am 21) for this to hit me. Hard.

I would be telling a blatant lie if I said that I didn’t miss the company of these friends. I do. I miss the (pretty) decently wholesome child/teenagehoods we enjoyed- back when our only form of “bickering” was whether we created a marry sues character, or if an element of fiction seemed too far fetched, even for fiction.

I am overseas now, (international borders and all- hello 2020) I am actually going to be on this end for heaven knows how long, right now. Reuniting and reproaching some of these old pals did cross my mind a couple of times.

I mulled over the purpose/my drive for an event like this and up till now, I don’t have an answer. Would reuniting serve feed into some compulsive obligatory yearning to “catch up” with friends and hopefully relive the good times- acknowledging that things might have changed– or, all expectations factored in, do I hope for something in the form of ,”closure” and, if all goes well, “continuity”, or is would meet ups quench my pure child-like- (ew child-like? you’re 21) yearning to simply have the friends I miss and treasure (of which I vocalized a little too late) back in my life? (Damn you, passiveness!)

We have gone years without being as present each other’s lives at this point. Social media acquaintances count less, right? I thought so. The absence of active WhatsApp groups and avenues for meet ups (different schools, and countries and schedules) – to my knowledge at least- prompted me down a slightly different track.

What about the one on one friendships, then? Well, what about them? I never actively yearned for something like that to the same degree before, but now I embrace them madly. As the chinese would say,” 真的是活该”.

I guess, after finals, possibly. I have always been the quiet, introverted one in my previous social groups so this might seem fairly out of character for me but Exeter, Adelaide and JC have altered me. (To be fair, all of this is introspection- the entity that has been denounced for being both inaccurate and non-falsifiable, right?)

Meanwhile, I might have to silence the pieces of history that have chosen now of all times, to dance in my mind- and on loop, to the same sickening waltz- for a while. Perhaps, some of these are to be better off stowed away back in the boxes- personal closure, without continuity? Still a foreign concept to me. Really and truly. Also, comparison is still a vile fluid– it has taken me this long to remind myself about this again. What is new. I am grateful though, for the constants in my life up till now. So so grateful. (And hello if you see this, I miss you!)

(*Disclaimer though, @ the one to two gems whom I’ve grown up with and who still read this- its been what, 11 years? Or something. Thank you for you.)

All right its 10.10am now and I have to catch a bus in about half an hour for a research meet. I have been so unproductive- having taken way too much time to mull over this since last Friday but- its 14 october and finals start on the 7th of November. As one of my v precious friends would say, RIPGG.COM.SG. Well. This has been cathartic. I should start my morning off with a brain dump- maybe a less lengthy one– but it seems therapeutic enough.

Ok ciao! Have a good weeke ahead! Friday is right round the corner!

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